1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you
see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days,
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they
notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first
thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two
hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.