Ouch, Puns!

 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
    avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately
    destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 
 2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
    I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
    You'll just have to be a little patient."
 
 3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
    dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
    seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go
    out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep
    on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
    Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
    across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
 
 4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
    remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that
    the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
    constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the
    brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds
    like these, who needs enemas?"
 
 5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
    to produce other products and, since they already made the cases
    for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers
    traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of
    finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended
    up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is
    the origin of the expression, "He, who has a Tates, is lost!"
 
 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
    lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
    have absolutely nothing to go on."
 
 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
    man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
    thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to
    bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After
    a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
    The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
    lingers on."
 
 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
    name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
    complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
    saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept
    on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
    three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The
    one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to
    prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
    the squaws of the other two hides.
 
10. By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
    and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
    lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
    one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did!!!