Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield - You gotta love him

"Good crowd..good crowd.  I'm telling you I could use a good crowd.  I'm ok now
 but last week I was in rough shape.. Why?
 I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family.  During the civil war my great uncle fought for
 the west!"

"My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
 father ... I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.'

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a friend.'

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and

"Some dog I got too.  We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to
 my father. He said he wanted more proof"

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
 parents.  I said to him ... Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I
 don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
 floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one
 kid tried to rip my face off!  Now it's different.. when I answer the door
 the kids hand me candy."

"When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and
 a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next tuesday"

"One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up
 my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't
 drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!"

"For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
 guys laughing at me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I would fly from New
 York to London.  Then from Tokyo back to New York.  I asked him ... How am I
 supposed to get from London to Tokyo? --- He told me--That is why we give you 21

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii ... No days..just
 nights.  "

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.'

"They say..Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do?  Jerk
 him off too?"

"At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap.  His fly was open.  Boy..what a
 present he gave me!"

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs
 bed ... Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
 herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
 an egg".

"My wife isn't very bright.  The other day she was at the store and just as she
 was heading for our car, someone stole it!  I said ... did you see the guy that
 did it?  She said .... No, but I got the license plate."

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said..Why should I.. you
 never put out for me."

"I asked  her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said..No.. one
 drag is enough."

"I got myself good this morning too.  I did my push ups in the nude..but I didn't
 see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said..Come on over there's nobody home. I went over ...
 Nobody was home!"

"A hooker once told me she had a headache."

"I went to message a parlor.  It was self service."

"My only thrill is self inflicted---hickies."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said.. Are you going
 to hate yourself in the morning?  She said.. No.. I hate myself now."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either- She used to braid her

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back
 saying.. Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask
 for directions.

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car.  She asked me why I didn't ride,
 around her.  I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed steets."
 "She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that --- She was known as a two bagger.
 That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the
 bag over her head breaks."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that...I bent down to pet her cat only to
 find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won
 first prize.

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State
 building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came second in a
 hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it
 had a hook on the end of it."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that...  She has a face like a saint. A saint

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.  The
 bartender asked me.. What'll you have?  I said..surprise me.  He showed me
 a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called
 me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. wife just broke up with her

"One I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said
 to the guy..Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?  He said..Because you
 came home early.

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her..The best woman a man ever had ...
 The waiter joined me."

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell
 off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to
 the bathroom!"

"I had a problem.  I tried group sex.  Now I have a new problem...I don't know
 who to thank!"

"I went to see my doctor.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba.  Yeah..I told him once..Doctor..
 every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up;
 what's wrong with me?  He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect'

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.  My doctor told me to
 have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown

"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms'

"My dentist has bad breath ...... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.'

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him.. If you don't mind I'd
 like a second opion he're ugly too!"

"I was so mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said
 Look... twins!

"And we were poor too.  Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to
 play with!"