The Stages of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
     
     AGE     DRINK
      17         Beer
      25         Bourbon
      35         Vodka
      48         Double vodka
      66         Maalox
     
     AGE     SEDUCTION LINE
      17         My parents are away for the weekend.
      25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
      35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
      48         My wife is away for the weekend.
      66         My second wife is dead.
     
     AGE     FAVORITE SPORT
      17         Sex
      25         Sex
      35         Sex
      48         Sex
      66         Napping
     
     AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
      17          Tongue
      25          Breakfast
      35          She didn't set back my therapy.
      48          I didn't have to meet her kids.
      66          Got home alive.
     
     AGE     FAVORITE FANTASY
      17         Getting to third
      25         Airplane sex
      35         Menage a trois
      48         Taking the company public
      66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
     
     AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
      17         25
      25         35
      35         48
      48         66
      66         17
     
     AGE      IDEAL DATE
      17          Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
      25          Split the check before we go back to my place
      35          Just come over.
      48          Just come over and cook.
      66          Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
     
     
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

     AGE     DRINK
      17         Wine Coolers
      25         White wine
      35         Red wine
      48         Dom Perignon
      66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
     
     AGE     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
      17         Need to wash my hair
      25         Need to wash and condition my hair
      35         Need to color my hair
      48         Need to have Francois color my hair
      66         Need to have Francois color my wig
     
     AGE    FAVORITE SPORT
      17         Shopping
      25         Shopping
      35         Shopping
      48         Shopping
      66         Shopping
     
     AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
      17          Burger King
      25          Free meal
      35          A diamond
      48          A bigger diamond
      66          Home Alone
     
     AGE      FAVORITE FANTASY
      17         Tall, dark and handsome
      25         Tall, dark and handsome with money
      35         Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
      48         A man with hair
      66         A man
     
     AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
      17         17
      25         25
      35         35
      48         48
      66         66
     
     AGE      IDEAL DATE
      17         He offers to pay
      25         He pays
      35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
      48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
      66         He can chew breakfast