More Steven Wright-isms


      All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 
      synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 
      rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of 
      the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 
       
      Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go 
      over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day 
      in your life!'. 
       
      Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 
       
      Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 
       
      Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 
       
      Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just 
      whipped out a quarter? 
      
      Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all 
      night. 
       
      Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. 
       
      Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. 
       
      For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 
      the same room and let them fight it out. 
       
      George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't 
      hear him talk.    He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his  
      money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. 
       
      How young can you die of old age? 
       
      I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went 
      to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in 
      Spanish. 
       
      I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift 
      Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he 
      would know when to stop unwrapping. 
       
      I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 
       
      I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. 
       
      I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he 
      can get me five. 
       
      I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. 
      You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling 
      noise go by. 
       
      I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 
       
      I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill 
      to everybody on the list. 
       
      I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I 
      get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying 
      to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 
       
      I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the 
      funeral in one car. 
       
      I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the 
      prescription ran out. 
       
      I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. 
       
      I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in 
      front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. 
       
      I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a 
      while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call 
      from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 
       
      I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a 
      message and I'll call when I'm out. 
       
      I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it. 
       
      I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the 
      beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. 
       
      I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the 
      gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. 
       

      I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are 
      furious! 
       
      I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 
       
      I invented the cordless extension cord. 
       
      I like to reminisce with people I don't know. 
       
      I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got 
      there. 
       
      I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if 
      they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they 
      ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." 
       
      I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was 
      putting Slinkies on the escalator. 
       
      I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going 
      really fast, and stick it out the window. 
       
      I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 
       
      I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my 
      car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. 
       
      I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. 
       
      I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like 
      I'm the only one moving. 
       
      I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. 
      
      I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 
       
      I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. 
       
      I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 
      the place. 
       
      I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered 
      French Toast in the Renaissance. 
       
      I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that 
      when I leave my house, I always go out the window. 
       
      I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I 
      did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." 
       
      I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 
       
      I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 
     
      I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they 
      wouldn't have to go so fast. 
 
      I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 
      "ten-four." 
      
      I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French 
      Toast during the Rennaisance. 
       
      I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 
      
      I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered 
      French Toast during the Renaissance. 
       
      I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What 
      for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." 
 
      I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in 
      the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, 
      and the table would move across the floor to it. 
       
      I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I 
      melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 
       
      I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. 
       
      I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on 
      the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that." 
       
      I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes. 
       
      I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 
       
      I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. 
       
      I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No 
      brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. 
       
      If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 
       
      If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
       
      If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? 
       
      If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their 
      feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 
       
      If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you 
      turn on the headlights, does anything happen? 
       
      If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. 
       
      If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? 
       
      If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? 
      
      If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? 
       
      If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? 
       
      In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel 
      over what I considered to be an odd number. 
       
      Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 
       
      It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room 
      temperature. 
       
       It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just 
      stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. 
       
      It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 
       
      Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full 
      house and four people died. 
       
      Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with 
      exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I 
      know you?" 
      
      Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and 
      sang Happy Birthday. 
       
      My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can 
      ask him what he meant. 
       
      My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great 
      idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story 
      short..." 
       
      My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. 
       
      My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the 
      band." 
       
      My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. 
      
      On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
       
      One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite 
      dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. 
       
      One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done 
      by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. 
 
      Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his 
      ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on 
      them. 
       
      Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper 
      the ocean would be if that didn't happen. 
       
      The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now 
      Santa Claus is missing. 
 
      The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit 
      standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. 
       
      The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. 
       
      There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people 
      were trapped on the escalators. 
       
      There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an 
      idiot. 
       
      There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the 
      back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. 
       
      Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. 
       
      What's another word for Thesaurus? 
       
      When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. 
       
      When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking 
      spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 
       
      When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a 
      year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. 
       
      When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any 
      toy train schedules? 
       
      When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was 
      an only child... eventually. 
       
      When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 
      firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 
       
      When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 
      five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. 
       
      When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" 
      I said "No, I made a few mistakes." 
       
      Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. 
       
      Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who 
      wrote that song wrote everything. 
       
      You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 
  
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

My mechanic told me he couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" 

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. 

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." 

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. 

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. 

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. 

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus? 

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes". 

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. 

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." 

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. 

I had amnesia once or twice. 

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. 

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. 

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." 

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. 

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?.

The sky already fell. Now what? 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. 

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. 

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? 

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. 

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. 

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... 

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. 

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. 

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. 

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. 

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick." 

There aren't enough days in the weekend. 

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. 

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. 

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. 

Is "tired old cliche" one? 

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. 

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. 

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. 

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. 

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. 

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. 

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. 

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. 

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. 

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. 

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. 

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." 

I had my coathangers spayed. 

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. 

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?" 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. 

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. 

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." 

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." 

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. 

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening. 

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. 

I can't stop thinking like this. 

This isn't all true. 

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. 

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. 

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?" 

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. 

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones? 

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people? 

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." 

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. 

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. 

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. 

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." 

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have t

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. 

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. 

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.


I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four."  

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." 

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. 

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. 

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. 

I invented the cordless extension cord. 

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it." 

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." 



Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." 

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." 

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." 

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. 

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. 

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. 


I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. 

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. 

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again. 

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. 

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" 

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. 

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it run 

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. 

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. 

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. 

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. 

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." 

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.  I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. 

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." 

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." 

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" 

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. 
      
      I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. 

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. 

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." 

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. 

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. 

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. 



I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! 

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... 

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. 

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. 
 

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're 
reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm 
like that all the time. 

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you 
live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." 
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she 
asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a 
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you 
almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all 
the time." 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've 
forgotten this before. 

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. 

Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse? 

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I 
was doing. 

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- 
and I didn't hear it. 

Someone asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." 

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into 
another dimension. 

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, 
no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. 

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New 
York. 

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. 

I like to skate on the other side of the ice. 

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes 
I... No, I don't. 

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" 
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman 
around to hear him, is he still wrong? 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it 
considered a hostage situation? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet 
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." 
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a 
satellite picture. 

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail 
order and I couldn't pay for it. 

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 
mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. 
I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... 
Kitten On Fire. 

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by 
children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. 
 
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My 
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't 
had a Bar-B-Que in a long time. 

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. 

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I 
said, "Give me two boys and a girl." 

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you 
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. 

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them 
for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor 
cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, 
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the 
straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty. 
 
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was 
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He 
said, "Yes, but not in a row." 

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and 
said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, 
"What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." 
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's 
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. 

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She 
was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages. 


I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. 

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I 
open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the 
floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a 
new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- 
it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 
"Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My 
new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I 
don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it." 

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the 
wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
 
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the 
album. 

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to 
make a long story short ... 

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. 
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. 
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book 
mark and flew across the room. 

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." 


I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really 
fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for 
practicing. 

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat 
belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do 
it." 
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print 
of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back."  So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets. 


We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green 
light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, 
and I said, "No further questions." 
 
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the  living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.  When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. 
 
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a 
midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for 
trophies. 

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just 
be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... 

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll 
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." 

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, 
"the whole time." 

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for 
this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into 
meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was 
going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date. 

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. 
 
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 
-- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." 

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He 
said, "When I was your age, I was six." 

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went 
straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between 
two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. 

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small 
enough to fit it. 

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was 
eight years old. 

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at 
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little 
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, 
that's how it's done." 

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious 
because I brought a beach towel. 
 
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" 
and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So 
I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew 
in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're 
the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out 
to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked 
it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I 
said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from 
your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university 
you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would 
just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it 
to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it 
he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me 
again." 

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous 
blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and 
then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he 
says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't 
tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell 
your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst 
said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is 
Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..." 

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's 
in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the 
escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has 
emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went 
camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I 
don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way 
she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's 
from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy 
who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in 
something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She 
yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. 

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I 
couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the 
morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on 
the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I 
woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. 
I'm sure this has happened to you. 

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in 
England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take 
it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the 
mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this 
is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such 
a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not 
really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a 
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." 

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button 
saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, 
"I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. 
I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, 
"Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry." 
 
One night I came home very late. It was the next night. 

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? 

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. 

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter." 

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. 

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one? 

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. 

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. 

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? 

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! 
What do batteries run on? 

Are there any questions? 

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of 
sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool 
nobody could go swimming until I came back. 

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got 
some flip-up contact lenses. 

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. 
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 
bucks. 

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. 
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the 
morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. 

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. 
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got 
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. 

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a 
touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I 
was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. 

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become 
disoriented? 
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. 

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" 

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein 
discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. 

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the 
one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned 
out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met. 

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? 

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. 

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. 

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. 

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts. 


Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it 
weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. 

I bought a portable cable TV. 

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. 

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom. 

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said 
that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another. 

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.